I wish we knew

There is so much we don't know. For those of you who have adopted (especially an older kid), you understand what I mean.

What happened before you came to our family?

How were you treated?

Were you hurt?

How were you hurt?

Who hurt you?

How was your trust betrayed?

Were you loved...truly loved the way you should have been?

What things did you suffer?

Did you keep it all inside the way you do with us?

I have said many times that adoption (and it's magnified with an older child) is NOT for the faint of heart.

We just had our 5 year anniversary of Mihiretu and MJ being in our family!! Time has truly flown and they have settled into our family perfectly and completely.

Next week it will be 2 years since Aliya joined our family! Time has also flown but the struggle to settle in has posed to be more difficult for her. This does not come as a big surprise. We didn't have expectations of constant joy, thankfulness and warm fuzzies. We're much more realistic than that.

What we do experience, although it seems to sometimes come less frequently than before is up times and down times. The hard part is when the down times come, there is nothing I can do but pray. I know she is hurting and angry but her 10 foot thick lead walls are up at all times with me and I have learned that there is NO point in me asking to come inside them because I am not welcome. Maybe this is wrong of me but I don't even try anymore. I don't go to her bedroom and get cozy and ask "what's wrong...you can tell me...I care...I love you...you can trust me...how can I help if I don't know what's wrong." I get shot down every single time.

There are times that she freely opens up to me but it only, ever comes when she initiates it...never, ever when I do. I so appreciate those times but they are few and far between.

I am sad for her and for me. I'm sad for all she had to suffer. No child should have to endure that. No, it's not fair. It's not fair that she has to work twice as hard as other students in school because of her language deficit. It's not fair that she's not been able to control events in her life.

It gives me great joy and satisfaction that with all the other kids, I can come to them when they have a problem and get cozy and they will open up to me. We can talk things through. They trust me. They don't have reason not to trust.

Don't get me wrong...there has been much progress. When Aliya came, she would not look us in the eyes. We had to constantly encourage her to look at our eyes. She now does this without thinking twice. She also will talk when we have the need for a little sit down meeting. We don't have to pull every word out of her. That is progress!

But now it's the deep, deep stuff. The stuff that tortures her and keeps her up nights. It's the stuff that makes her cry herself to sleep. It's the stuff that makes her act the way she does sometimes...the kind of behavior that does not make her very endearing to others at times.

How can we help her heal if we don't have any idea what these things are?

This post today is for me. I just had to get it off my chest.